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Maria

Cake?

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Maria
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  • Re: He married and I think he is into me please help

    Hi and welcome!
    Yes, I think he likes you and not only that - he also has a crush on you.
    It's very natural to develop crushes on other people and to want them to like one.
    But please, make no mistake: It's also very dangerous to give in to these feelings.
    You do realize, I'm sure, that this is a very marriage-friendly forum.
    And nurturing crushes does not make marriages stronger, quite on the contrary. It's a slippery slope: A crush can turn into an emotional affair quickly and that can escalate towards a physical one. I am sure you do not want that.

    It's very hard, some say impossible, to be friends - and only friends - with the other sex. Attraction, passion, instincts come in the way of mere comradery.

    My advice for you is: Steer clear of spending time with your friend. See him in the context of church and basketball, but restrict yourself to that. Do not let him drive you home, decline politely and walk the 5 minutes. I get that his attention is enormously flattering, I truly do. I'm sure he's also a nice enough guy.
    He clearly has qualms about what he feels for you, so do him a favour and make things easy for him. Set up boundaries on appropriate behaviour. Don't isolate yourself with him, don't encourage him in thinking you might be interested in more than being on good terms with him.  Once you are married there's no such thing as an innocent crush.

    You haven't written anything about your marriage and your husband. How are things going? Is it a good marriage? The best way to make sure crushes like that don't threaten one's relationship is to strenghten the relationship and you are in a great place for that.
    If you want input on that, please answer the triage questions. You find them here:

    http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/

    That provides us with the information we need to give productive advice.
    All the best!
    ETA triage link
    Confused91JellyBeanTenneeSignorePillolaRossaamblrgirlHildaCornersMrsJonAvalinettewranglerMiddleMan
  • Re: Forestleaf's Mindful Action Plan

    As  you have probably read Austria has taken in almost 100 000 refugees from mostly Muslim countries in the last year. 
    Since then news and media are full of reports of sexual assaults, rape and degrading acts towards women. Self defense programmes are booming.
    Interestingly enough police statistics don't show a significant uptick in these crimes.
    Anecdotal evidence from individual policemen points to slightly more sexual crimes being reported - which does not necessarily mean that more were committed. 
    People however are going crazy: All kinds of gorey stories are all over FB and twitter, photoshopped and otherwise faked newspaper articles, fake reports and very blatant lies.
    Lots of my friends don't feel safe in public anymore. Some have experienced assaults like your friend.
     The thing is, we can't fully trust our emotions and perceptions. Our brain evolved to find patterns and make sense of individual events and it does its job ectremely well. 
    So we notice stuff that we expect or fear to happen a lot better. We mix up cause and correlation. We fall for self-fulfilling prophecies. We strign together unrelated events because our brain craves for narratives.
    The post-election situation in your country looks very similar to the refugee hysteria in Austria.
    Perhaps it's as bad as some fear.  But perhaps it's not. We need to stay calm and mindful.

    Btw I like the way your friend reacted! A Krav Magist myself, my elbow would not have gone to his chest though. And if assaults like this one really get more commo  in our countries - then such reactions would be what these men will have to get used to  >:)

    SignorePillolaRossa42andatowelMiddleManHildaCornersfrillyfunMrsJonthisisjen
  • Re: Roses' MAP

    Setting and maintaining boundaries is a DHV. 
    It seems sensible to skip that event. Do it if it helps you keep your sanity.
    KattWinter_ioforestleafAvalinetteRosesLeticiaAngelineGraceyHildaCorners
  • Re: Being a good parent?

    My rule of thumb is:
    Good behaviour gets rewarded (but not all of the time and sometimes the reward is merely acknowledgement).
    Bad behaviour gets you either logical consequences or loss of privileges.
    BUT if there's already a death spiral of negativity I focus on good behaviour, try to catch the kids when they are good. I don't let bad behaviour pass, I however refrain from everything that would trigger another power struggle.

    • I thoroughly think about rules. I want only very few and very important ones! Pick your battles is the key.
    • I tell them the rules and make sure they understand what I want them to do.
    • Whenever they break a rule there are logical or natural consequences or loss of privileges. No punishment, no yelling.
    • I never blackmail or bribe them by telling them "If you don't stop xyz or if you don't do xyz there will be this and that consequence". They know the rules, they will experience the consequence. I never warn them.
    • I don't give second chances on the same day*.
    • On the next day we start anew with a blank slate.
    • I reward good behaviour with praise and privileges.
    • I make ample use of body language and voice.
    • I do lots of fun, silly stuff. We laugh a lot. I want at least 5 times more positive interactions than negative ones.  
    • I don't care about lots of stuff other people seem to think is important. I'm okay with that. I don't parent/educate to other's standards.


    Some examples:

    "If I wake in the morning and come out and tell him good morning and give him a hug, he might be lovey for a minute or two and then get pissed off at his Dad for not knowing what kind of cereal he wanted or not pouring it fast enough or not getting his water bottle for him or whatever.  And my H and I definitely don't "hop to" to get him what he wants; we calmly refuse and tell him we expect him to ask nicely, which occasionally happens and occasionally he just gets super pissed off more and the rage commences. "

    You and TW are very rational and I suspect you are trying too hard to make your boy understand. "If I could only phrase it so that he gets it... " Btdt :)
    I wouldn't even tell him to ask nicely, just say: I don't want to be talked to in a tone like that when I'm helping you. Please, fix your own breakfast/pour your own cereal/get your water from now on. (Consequence)
    And then I'd walk away. No more explaining, no more engaging. Throwing a tantrum gets boring and exhausting without an audience. And follow through on not fixing breakfast for him. Don't lecture the next day, just smile and say:" I'm not doing this any more. Please do xyz yourself. Thank you"  Tantrum? All of a sudden you are blind and deaf. (Not engaging in another power struggle)


    "I responded by refusing at the moment because he was hitting me, and told him he'd have to wait, and he started doing the tantrum-y hopping up and down and whining, and I made him ask in a calm voice (it took probably ten tries on his part, because me asking him to ask me in a calm voice pissed him off, and made him want to make his voice even more whiny, but I calmly kept urging him to ask me nicely, and eventually he asked in a calm-enough voice for me to walk over and listen to the beat-boxing"

    Ah, okay, so he tried to get you to listen by hitting you. Unacceptable. I wouldn't have even asked him to ask nicely at that point, just told him: Stop hitting me AT ONCE! Body language rigid, standing very upright, hands hanging loosely at my side, deep, stern voice.  I'd have ignored the following tantrum and walked away.
    Having him try to ask nicely ten times ... puh, I don't do that. Too much engaging. And apt to build resentment in him. My kids get one try. Yep, I'm an evil, evil teacher ;)

    "I listened for a few minutes and praised him on it, and then his sister started wanting to change the song that was playing, and he began to amp-up anger, and I tried to covertly (behind his back) get her to stop pressing him to change the song, at which point I realized we were all walking on eggshells around him to keep from pissing him off (Don't change the song!  Listen to the beatboxing!  Let him do whatever he wants!)."

    The way I see it it's not his sister's business to change the song. I would have told her openly and not behind his back: "Your brother chose this song and I am listening to him beat- boxing. You have to wait until he's finished and can then choose a different song."
    Now he has your attention it's perfectly understandable that he doesn't want to stop while the song is still playing.  While I don't condone his tantrums I can well understand the anger that built in him. In this case your daughter's wish was unreasonable.

    Double exceptionality describes the phenomenon that some children are both gifted and suffering from learning disabilities.
    By behavioural therapy I mean focusing on changing behaviour, not heaping diagnosis on diagnosis and evaluating you child to exhaustion. I teach children with all kinds of disorders, traumata, psychological and psychiatrical issues, gifted ones and developmentally delayed ones and of course I take all that into account. But the way I tackle behavioural problems is the same for every single one of them.

    Hope you'll find something helpful in all of that!
     
    * I want to elaborate on that a bit. That doesn't mean if they break one rule they're on the blacklist for today! It means, if they throw legos I immediately and swiftly remove them from the play area. Their begging "please, I won't do it again, may I go back, may I have another chance..." doesn't get them another try.
    amblrgirlScarletWinterKattBeatriceAngelineautumnMissDfrillyfuntelyniforestleafMrsJon
  • Re: Being a good parent?

    The fact that he behaves fine at school and acts out at home shows that - whatever impairment he might or might not have - he is perfectly able to control his actions. Period.
    I get that A LOT in my profession (teacher for special education).
    My guess is that at home there are
    • too many rules
    • too many consequences/punishments
    • too little positive interaction
    • too much impulsivity on all sides
    It's just a guess, as I said, but based on 20+ years of experiene.

    I wouldn't advise you to come up with more consequences, but do what you already started doing:  relaxing more and picking your battles. But as @John3 said, don't go back on orders after you issued them, think ahead next time whether something you want is really that important to you. If it's not worth a consequence-enforcing battle, don't phrase it as an order. Say instead: I'm going to wash my hands now, before I start eating, wanna come too?  and do it. If he comes with you, fine. If not - no problem, he didn't disobey you.

    Stuff like hitting I wouldn't let go. Look him stern into the eye, tell him in a deep growly voice NO. HITTING! I won't let you hit me! and don't do what he wanted you to do. Don't argue, don't explain, perhaps tell him once: If you had asked nicely and waited until I was ready I would have come and listened to you. But if you hit me - no.
    But I have a question: He wanted you to listen to him beat-boxing. How did you respond? I don't think one has to drop everything the second a child wants one, but I also believe in responding immediately to a child's request for attention. It's enough to turn to the child, make eye contact, smile and say: I am excited to listen to you. Let me finish (chore x) and I'll be with you in 5 minutes.
    Make sure it's really only 5 minutes he needs to wait for you.

    I really really know behaviour like your son's. I deal with it every single day. Evaluation and testing takes you only so far, what works best in my experience is behavioural therapy and I use this term in the broadest sense possible.  Double exceptionality* and learning disorders are real issues, but they don't change the way I approach behavioural issues and I doubt they are the root of your son's issues. As I said before, if they were, he'd have similar behavioural difficulties at school.

    You can always pm me if you want more detailed information or examples.
    BeatriceTemplarforestleafJellyBeanfrillyfunKattAngelineTiger_LilyWinterScarletAdam_StelyniHildaCornersMrsJon